This month we are joining Sophie as she reflects on her second pregnancy journey. I met Sophie when my little one was 10 weeks old and we joined her baby massage class with Basking Babies. Sophie does so much to support new mums and when I saw her open up and talk about the realities of pregnancy I knew I needed to ask her to take part in the Unapologetically Pregnant project.
Focussing on her words and reflections of the similarities and differences between her two pregnancies and pregnancy after a premature birth, I really wanted to capture the relationship and natural connection between her, her son and her bump. So I joined them at home, brought some stickers with me and just watched them totally be themselves.
"I went into this pregnancy feeling more confident than the last... I naively convinced myself the two pregnancies would be similar"
We found out that we were pregnant with our second baby in September 2022. I went into this pregnancy feeling more confident than the last, I thought I knew what to expect and I naively convinced myself that the two pregnancies would be similar.
With my first, whilst the first trimester felt tough, the second and third trimester were very straight forward and I mostly felt great. So, it came as quite a shock with this pregnancy, that as the first trimester came and went, I was still feeling constantly nauseous, experiencing strong food aversions to most things, and felt physically and emotionally drained weeks into the second trimester.
Eventually, the nausea and food aversions subsided, but I have continued to struggle with the constant exhaustion along with several other typical pregnancy symptoms. My body has hurt and ached so much more this time too, everything has felt like so much more effort. As a normally very active person, I have found it really frustrating to have such little energy. As a result, I have felt constantly guilty, struggling to know how to manage the juggle of who/what to prioritise…being what I consider to be a ‘good’ mum and wife, or listening to my body which is growing our baby!
"I began to question my body's capabilities of carrying a baby"
Whilst trying to manage the more physical symptoms, I’ve also had to deal with anxiety linked to the birth of our first, who was born prematurely at 34 weeks. I went into labour at 33+5 and ended up having an emergency c-section two days later. We were extremely lucky that he was born healthy, breathing independently and we spent just six days in NICU before being able to come home.
It wasn’t until I fell pregnant again that I fully processed what happened. All of a sudden, I felt panicked by the fact that we didn’t know why he was premature. It dawned on me that it could happen again, that maybe we wouldn’t be so lucky this time and that this baby might not be born so healthy and well. I began to question my body’s capabilities of carrying a baby to full term and have been nervous about what could happen. The feeling of responsibility was sickening and it took me a few months to feel any better about it. Reaching 34 weeks this time around has come with a huge sense of relief!
I have found it hard to accept that I have not particularly enjoyed this pregnancy. I am really conscious that there are so many people out there who are desperate to be pregnant. I know that I am immensely lucky and so it feels ungrateful to not be able to talk more positively about it. On the other hand, I’m also very aware that there are so many pregnant women who struggle.
"It's okay not to love every moment, it doesn't mean you love your baby any less"
I know, from talking to lots of mums, that many of us begin pregnancy with very little awareness of the impact that it will have on our bodies, physically and mentally. It can be scary and isolating when your body begins to change and you experience symptoms you didn’t expect. There seems to be this notion that we should “just get on with it”, that we chose to get pregnant and so we shouldn’t complain. However, I think it’s really important that we should be able to talk honestly and openly, without fear of judgement, to gain support where necessary and to nurture our mental health.
I’ve been so lucky to have an incredibly supportive network of friends and family around me. Mummas, if you’re finding pregnancy tough, (or even if you’re not!) find yourself a community where you feel safe to talk about the good, the bad and the ugly. And if you need to, don’t be afraid to seek additional support. It’s okay not to love every moment, it doesn’t mean that you love your baby any less or that you are ungrateful…you’re only human! And an awesome human at that!
